Ninjas of the Caribbean

KRAKEN! Kraken! kraken!

AskANinja.com reviews Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.

SPOILER ALERT: Uh, he didn't like it very much.

Google Search hacking

Yeah, ok. So it's a book...for sale. But it's also part of a constantly evolving website called johnny.ihackstuff.com.

These guys (well, at least one guy named Johnny Long) detail ways to unlock the information on the internet using Google, going beyond the newly pedestrian act of merely finding the answer to almost any question instantaneously. If knowledge is power, then Google hacking approaches absolute power. I can understand the thrill of the hacker conquest. I was guilty of a few crosses over the legal line in the fledgling BBS days of PC networking (er..Atari 800 dial-up phreaki..I've said too much). But the best part about these hacks is that they're barely hacks at all. They require no coding by the end user. They are all engineered to work through the Google front end, exposing the incredible power of Google to sort through the impractically infinite internet haystack for as many needles as you want. Be sure to check out categories like:

• Various Online Devices: This category contains things like printers, video cameras, and all sorts of cool things found on the web with Google.
• Web Server Detection: These links demonstrate Google's awesome ability to profile web servers..

Surely there are unlimted ways to dig for data. I recommend using these as a starting point and 'hacking' your way to your own happiness, whatever that may be. And if it requires a password, chances are, you can find it using google...

RTE Radio shake-up and why we care

So, there seems to be some unrest in the Irish broadcasting world. I imagine time will tell whether the execs in charge of the shake-up will be remembered as geniuses or idiots. Competition brings out the best and worst in everyone, but if you don't pay the bills, you're out the door. That is for certain.

So, why do we care here at yojayy.blogspot.com? Ryan Tubridy is my first cousin. And besides, it was time time for a much needed break from "The 5-minute man" mania that has gripped this site for the past week.

(If you want to follow the link, you need to register with unison.ie. Of course, there's always www.bugmenot.com).

RTE fears mass radio defections Sunday July 2nd 2006
FRANK KHAN

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The latest shake-up in RTE Radio, involving between 50 and 60 staff, sent shock waves through the station on Thursday and Friday when thosebeing moved were told of the changes "on the telephone by line managers".
But the decisions for the dramatic shake-up which has hit top programmes such as the Pat Kenny Show, Marian Finucane Show, Liveline and the Ryan Tubridy Show were taken by Managing Director of Radio, Adrian Moynes, and the new radio chief, Ana Leddy.
The latest changes come less than a month after Ms Leddy reshaped the Radio One schedule, controversially axing the arts programme Rattlebag and John Kelly's Mystery Train while relegating John Creedon to a late-night spot.
Ms Leddy joined RTE from BBC Radio Foyle less than five months ago and has quickly set about the shake-up which sources say has sent morale plummeting.
Worst hit by this week's changes was the Tubridy Show which has lost its entire backroom staff while the other programmes have had their staff of reporters andresearchers moved to other areas.
Among them was Tubridy's roving reporter Katriona McFadden - who is moving to the Dave Fanning Show .
Worried presenters will now find their shows short-handed even as they gear up to face what is expected to be aggressive Newstalk106 competition. The source added: "People were just told they were being taken off a programme and there is apparently no recourse. They've been scattered to the four winds."
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There was speculation that Eamon Keane would take over as producer of the Ryan Tubridy Show . He is understood to have been offered the position but turned it down. Keane has been presenting the popular Round Midnight programme.
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Last night Seamus Dooley, the Irish Secretary of the National Union of Journalists (NUJ) said: "We have been disturbed at RTE's lack of consultation with the RTE Group of Unions. Changes could have been handled more sensitively and we have requested a meeting with Ms Leddy which is expected to take place in the next two weeks."

The Bet -- Day 3

Talk about some ups and downs--this definitely isn't going to be easy. But I've been telling more and more people about it. The more people that know, the more motivated I become. Why? Because people will start to ask me how things are going and I want to have a good answer to give them.

General lifestyle still seems to be an issue, and I don't have a good solution yet. I played soccer last night (we won 2-1), and with about 5 minutes left in the game, my calf on my right leg got tweaked. My guess? General muscle fatigue. I haven't used my legs this much in a while. Basketball season was intense, but running seems to have shocked my legs--and soccer is a lot more running than basketball. Still, I left feeling pretty good. Not only did I have a good run yesterday morning, but I also played a full game of soccer.

I think I can handle soccer and my new running schedule--just make sure that I have recover days after my games. But I still need to work on the whole sleep thing. Playing video games until midnight and then doing laundry until 1 AM is NOT going to help. I've got to get more sleep than that.

This morning, my run started pretty good--a 1.5 mile run at 7 mph, followed by my 10 mph/8 mph laps. However, about halfway through my 10/8 laps, I started to get really fatigued. I had to change to a 10/7, and then fell short of my goal by 2 laps. I had to jog the last two. Talk about disappointing! My spirits were definitely down--how am I going to make it to running a 5-minute mile if I can't even handle the training? Then I realized how stupid I was--the treadmill was set at an incline and I hadn't even noticed. That makes me feel a little better, but not much.

I had planned on just lifting weights afterwards, but a game of full-court basketball started, and I decided to give it a run. What does this exactly mean? Soccer last night for 40 minutes, 3 miles this morning, and then 3 games of basketball. The result? Yup--my body broke down on me. Both my calves got tweaked and it sent me down to the ground. That's the first time I realized that getting an injury would really suck. I'm sure there's a better word for the situation, but that's all I could think as I was laying on the pinewood--this sucks.

What was the smart thing to do in this situation? Leave. Me? I decided I was still good to go and would just play at 80%, which basically means 50% unless I have the ball then I'm back at 100%. It was stupid to keep playing, but I was just having too much fun.

Overall, I feel great. I'm down to 184 lbs (both scales agreed with each other this morning), which is the slimmest I've been in almost two years. I was thinking about running on Saturday to get a jump start on the training, but I definitely need to the day off, especially after what happened to my calves. I'll still run on Sunday, which is going to be tough--I'm in Gainesville for my MBA and have my first class at 7:30 AM. That's going to be an early morning to get in 5 miles!

I'll update again after the weekend, and I'll give some insight into my diet. I might also start "spamming" this blog out to some other sights this weekend. I'd like to get some comments and responses from people that have done this before. It'd be nice to have more than 2 other people read this.

The Bet -- Day 2

Okay, so this isn't going to be as simple as I thought it was. Again, here were my three simple goals:

1.) Build my aerobic endurance
2.) Build up my tolerance for lactic acid
3.) Get leaner (i.e., lose weight)

I realized this morning that it's naive to think I can make that happen without some significant changes to my lifestyle. Take last night for example--I was up until midnight with my girlfriend. That makes it a little difficult to get up in the morning and get going in time to make it to the gym. I still made it, but it was a few minutes past 8 AM. Given that I really want to get to work by 9 AM, I didn't really leave myself much time to workout. Add to the fact that I have a soccer game tonight, and life if getting a little complicated. But enough about that--let's talk running first.

I got the basic premise for my workout plan from this website. The basic concept is that you want to build enough aerobic endurance and tolerance for lactic acid so you can handle running for five minutes at a pretty fast pace. The "get leaner" concept is my own idea, as I'd rather not carry an extra 10 lbs with me if I don't have to. So here is the work-out schedule:

Sunday

• Run 4-7 miles at a nice pace (8 mph)

Monday

• Warm up with 1 mile (7 mph)
• Run 100m at 12 mph, Recover 300m at 6 mph (x 6)
• Sprint 60 seconds at top speed (incline), Recover 2 minutes at 5 mph (x 4)
• Warm down with 1.5 mile (7 mph)

Tuesday

• Warm up with 1 mile (7 mph)
• Run 1.5 miles at 10 mph on straights, 8 mph on turns (x 6)

Wednesday

• Warm up with 1 mile (7 mph)
• Run 400m at 11 mph, Recover 200m at 5 mph (x 8)
• Warm down with 1.5 mile (7 mph)

Thursday & Friday

• Same as Tuesday

Saturday

• Day off

Now that I have a plan, it's time to put it to use. I did the Thursday workout this morning, and it seemed to go okay. I ran the warm up mile with no problems, although I did it a little fast (8 mph) because I couldn't remember what to do. I think I'll print my plan off and leave it in my bag for next time.

Anyway, the treadmill I was using actually has a progress tracker in the shape of a track, so I can actually pretend I'm running on straights and curves. Not ideal, but it will do for now. At times, it felt like the treadmill was wobbling a little bit, especially when I start pounding out a 10 mph clip. Eventually, I need to find a real track to run on, because I think this is going to wear on me. Don't get me wrong--I like watching SportsCenter while I run, but I'd like my knees to last.

The end result? I ran two miles and stuck to the schedule pretty closely. I was short a half-mile, but I ran out of time. Tomorrow, I'll try to get to the gym earlier so I can stick to my plan. I also weighed in somewhere between 186-189 pounds. There are two scales in the gym, and I'm not sure which one is more accurate, so I'll give a range for now. Hopefully I can get down to 178-180 by the end of July.

Tomorrow I'll give another update on my workout, and I'll also fill you in on the rest of my plan:

• Diet--what am I going to eat (or rather not eat)?
• Motivation--what's my true motivation when I don't feel like going another mile?
• Lifestyle--how do I fit this into an already busy schedule of work, kids, sports, and friends?

The Bet -- Day 1

Yes, I've been MIA for the past two weeks, but vacation and homework can do that to you. But I'm coming back with a vengeance, and I've decided to blog a personal experience over the next month or two. Yes, that's right--you get a daily view into Gstdog's life.

The reason? I took a very stupid bet. I have a friend that challenges me with ridiculous bets almost every time I'm out with him. You know the type--rather than using persuasive arguments or facts to convince your opponent, you throw out a bet in the hopes to make him back down. This is basically the equivalent of a bully that would actually get his ass kicked if he ever really picked a fight.

Anyway, day after day of stupid comments, I couldn't take it any more and just ignore him. I folded and took a bet without really considering the implications. What's the bet you ask? To run a 5-minute mile by the end of July. Was it a stupid bet, yes. But I'm willing to put that past me. Is it a stupid goal? Of course not. In fact, it's actually a rather good activity to keep me busy for the summer.

The first question is how many people can do this? Are we talking 5% of the US population or 1%? Maybe a better question is how many people are capable of doing this? When I was in high school, I was able to run a 6-minute mile in my sleep, but never really pressed to see how fast I could do a mile. Maybe I'll do some research later and find out.

The second question is can I feasibly run that fast while still staying in control of my bodily motions. Yesterday morning I decided to get a read on the situation--I hit the treadmill, punched in the 12 mph pace, and was off.

The first quarter mile was all good news. I was running with good control, and my head wasn't jerking all over the pace. Breathing was okay, and the legs felt great. This filled me with a lot of optimism--I can run at that pace. The only question is for how long?

The second quarter mile answered that question for me. I could feel the old ticker starting to pound a way, and realized I wasn't going to win anything today. So I pushed back on the throttle and brought it back to 10 mph. I had a lot of work ahead of me to build me endurance, and killing myself today could be painful tomorrow. Still, I finished the first half-mile in 2:45--15 seconds off the pace, but a promising statistic for someone who hasn't run more than 2 miles in a week in over 12 months.

The last half-mile was a lesson in reality, that I am indeed out of shape. I finished the mile in 6:20, which is over a minute off from where I wanted to be. So, can I shave off over a minute in 4 weeks? Maybe not, but I sure as hell am going to try. Even if I lose the bet, I'd still like to hit my target by August or September.

So, time to create a plan. I need to do 3 things:

1.) Build my aerobic endurance

2.) Build up my tolerance for lactic acid

3.) Get leaner (i.e., lose weight)

Starting tomorrow, I'll give regular updates on my progress. As well, I'll fill you in on my training plan. Trust me--those three steps above are not my own idea. There is a lot of great research and anecdotes about how to get in shape for a mile-run.

Also, I'm planning on adding a side bet--that I can out race my friend. No reason to go through all this training, only to walk away a "loser" if I run a 5:08 minute mile. I'd like to challenge him to train as well and see who can do better. Should be fun!

Fashion tips

If you're a nerd, you can understand how important clothes are by asking yourself how you'd feel about a company that made you wear a suit and tie to work. The idea sounds horrible, doesn't it? In fact, horrible far out of proportion to the mere discomfort of wearing such clothes. A company that made programmers wear suits would have something deeply wrong with it.

And what would be wrong would be that how one presented oneself counted more than the quality of one's ideas. That's the problem with formality. Dressing up is not so much bad in itself. The problem is the receptor it binds to: dressing up is inevitably a substitute for good ideas. It is no coincidence that technically inept business types are known as "suits."

Nerds don't just happen to dress informally. They do it too consistently. Consciously or not, they dress informally as a prophylactic measure against stupidity.

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Indeed, that's practically the definition of a nerd. I found myself talking recently to someone from Hollywood who was planning a show about nerds. I thought it would be useful if I explained what a nerd was. What I came up with was: someone who doesn't expend any effort on marketing himself.

Coolest thing ever

Since gstdog is MIA this week, I was looking through the net for a substitute DORNA. I decided to search for the coolest thing I could find. I was not prepared for results like this:

"Nothing in the Universe that we know of is naturally this cold" says Aaron Leanhardt, who led the research. Even deep space is six billion times hotter.

DORNA SCHMORNA...

...I post my shit ASAP. Like this kick-ass webgraph generator. The pic is a representation of this blog, minus this post of course. I'll have to run it again to see how it just changed. As of the moment recorded on this post, 1,412 graphs have been uploaded here.

I give you...market confusion

How the hell is the consumer suppose to know what they are buying? Why didn't we see this with 'Power Steering', 'Anti-Lock Brakes' or 'Cruise Control'? What's the big deal here?

Life-saving technology goes by many names

While it is known generally as Electronic Stability Control, car companies use different names for this important technology.

June 13, 2006: 7:05 AM EDT

NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) - Below is a list of the trademarked names used by various car brands for their Electronic Stability Control (ESC) systems.

Acura: Vehicle Stability Assist (VSA)

Audi: Electronic Stability Program (ESP)

BMW: Dynamic Stability Control (DSC)

Buick: StabiliTrak

Cadillac: StabiliTrak

Chevrolet: Active Handling (cars); StabiliTrak (SUVs)

more here...

Pirates of the Caribbean 2 Volvo Race?

I posted an excerpt from the Volvo Pirates of Caribbean 2 buried SUV contest earlier this week (I would post a link, but wtf...find it yourself. Why should I send thousands of extra people to a link so they can compete against me?) (And why do I think we have a readership of thousands?)

Well, this is turning out to be a pretty lame race to find the Volvo. I got the new clue today and I have already solved the riddles on the 2 new islands, Saint Helena and Isle of Saint Mary. We keep hopping from island to island, but it seems that everyone has a chance until the last day, since Volvo keeps putting the brakes on the hunt.

I am now waiting for yet another e-mail on June 21 for the keyword to unlock a new island. They don't even give me a field where I can try to guess the word. I have a hunch that I'm being taken on a rather simple marketing ride with a disappointing payoff in the end.



On the bright side, I am solving these puzzles in about 5 minutes each, which at least makes feel remotely intelligent. Although, knowing it's a national contest, I'm not trying to overthink them too much. They are really pretty simple after you take a minute or 5.

And so, to pass the time, here are 2 dissenting reviews of Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. If it takes you less than a week to read them, well, then, welcome to my Volvo contest world.

The Weekly DORNA

It's back, and I'm loving the new random schedule. It gives me the freedom to ignore my obligations, but at the same time, I can act offended if Yojay accuses me of not contributing. Anyway, without further delay, here they are:

1. Kick-Ass Pong: Okay, maybe that's not the title, but that's what it should be. The simplicity of the control, the effortless fun, and the thrill of hitting a wicked curve is just too much. My first try got me to Level 7, but my anti-virus update started and then slowed everything down. Perhaps this could be the new featured "War Game" of Listen Up? Especially since I haven't gotten past 11,000 meters in Nanaca Crash in two months.
2. Alizée: Okay, I admit it. Sometimes I click on those "other" links on Fark (only if they say SFW, I swear!). But this time paid off. Alizée is a young French pop star, and she happens to be quite mesmorizing in this live performance. Here is another video, that seems to be the same song, but an English version. I know what you're thinking, and your half right. No, she's 22, so it shouldn't make you feel bad that you're watching. But yes, I probably have no taste in music (I thought the Spice Girls were kind of catchy when they first came out).
   
   On a side note, I happened to be listen to the Philips Phile (local radio talk show in Orlando) the other day, and the host was pretty adamant that French women are not attractive. I think I will formally log my dissenting opinion.
3. Net Neutrality: Sometimes the Weekly DORNA has a theme, sometimes it doesn't. This week, I'm throwing in a serious topic, because I'm a little passionate about it. Google has officially weighed in on the issue, and if you haven't formed an opinion about this, you really should. The freedom of the Internet is a stake. Okay, no more serious stuff--back to the normal DORNA. (Editor's note: I promise to find a better medium to be political in the future--more like the Ask a Ninja clip from last week).
4. Wonder Showzen: Check out this clip from the show running on MTV2. Nothing quite like hearing a child say "that's the dark side of capitalism" or "hot dogs give me energy so I can fight my demons." Come for the funny kids, but stay for the education in hot dog production.
5. Bush as a Jedi: "Hehehe...saber beats rock!" Nothing more can be said.

Best Blackberry signatures

I recently added an auto signature to my Blackberry messages:

"(From my Blackberry)"

Short simple and to the point.

Why do I have a special Blackberry signature? To let people know I am not being short or abrupt, it's just a pain to write long messages and edit on the little keypad. This is my subtle 'out' from verbosity and embedded graphics and advanced hyperlinking, etc...

The standard signature used at our company has been a version of:

"This message was composed on a Blackberry Wireless handheld. Kindly excuse any typos, abbreviations or brevity."

Recently, I got a message signed:

"Written on a tiny keyboard. Please excuse any typos"

Clever and a little mysterious, yet not too unprofessional. I am making the leap that she is using a Blackberry.

I got to thinking about other possible signatures we could use on these things:

• "Written with my thumbs, give me a break. From my Blackberry."
• "Probably written while driving, please contact 911 if end of this message is garbled. From my Blackberry"
• "Currently ignoring family and friends. Please treat this message accordingly. From my Blackberry."
• "This probably didn't require immediate attention, but I'm not in my office and I'm trying to look productive. From my BlackBerry."

What else is out there?

UPDATE:
Some good ones from this site:

• "Fat Fingers + BlackBerry = What you just read"
• "Sent from my berry, fore!!!"
• "I totally didn't just send this to you from the can. No, really, I swear."
• "Sent from my Blackberry Wireless Handheld. Sorry about the speling."
• "Sent from the window office that corners."

Volvo has good prizes

9. ONE (1) GRAND PRIZE: The Grand Prize will consist of the following: (A) Vehicle: One (1) Model Year 2006 Volvo XC90 V8, left-hand drive vehicle consisting of custom-painted 20 inch wheels, tinted windows, Borla four-tip dual exhaust, and smoked out lights. The Manufacturer Suggested Retail Price (“MSRP”) of Grand Prize Vehicle: $82,340; and (B) TAX ASSISTANCE: Up to $29,000 in U.S. Dollars to assist Grand Prize Winner in paying Grand Prize Winner’s actual federal and state taxes on the Grand Prize. Approximate retail value of Grand Prize up to $111,340. The approximate retail value of the Grand Prize will vary depending upon Grand Prize Winner’s tax liability. Grand Prize Winner is solely responsible for paying all federal, state and local taxes on the prize. In the event the Grand Prize Winner’s federal and state tax liability on the Grand Prize is more than $29,000, Grand Prize Winner will be solely responsible for paying any and all federal, and state taxes beyond $29,000. In the event the Grand Prize Winner’s federal and state tax liability on the Grand Prize is less than $29,000, Sponsor will provide the Grand Prize Winner only with the actual dollar amount of his/her federal and state tax liability and the balance will not be provided. Grand Prize Winner will fully cooperate with Sponsor to enable Sponsor to determine the cash value of the Tax Assistance portion of the Grand Prize. Grand Prize Winner will be solely responsible for any and all car title, license and registration fees, emissions inspection, additional equipment, insurance, gasoline, vehicle maintenance and all other fees and expenses associated with the receipt and use of the prize vehicle. The interior and exterior of the Grand Prize vehicle will be designated by Sponsor. All additional car options will be the responsibility of the Grand Prize Winner. Grand Prize Winner must provide proof of valid insurance and a valid driver’s license to take delivery and must take delivery at a dealership designated by Sponsor within sixty (60) days of notification. In the event, for whatever reason, The Final Leg is cancelled, the Grand Prize will not be awarded.

Paul Newman gives relationahip advice

He made it sound simple: "I never ask my wife about my flaws. Instead I try to get her to ignore them and concentrate on my sense of humor. You don't want any woman to look under the carpet guys because there's lots of flaws underneath. Joanne believes my character in a film we did together, 'Mr. and Mrs. Bridge' comes closest to who I really am.

"I personally don't think there's one character who comes close ... but I learned a long time ago not to disagree on things that I don't have a solid opinion about."

X-Men just got funnier

When I first watched X-Men: The Last Stand (which was kind of disappointing...but that's another article and I digress), I was taken back by this scene:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=GV_3cBmAHjA&search=juggernaut

I had my kids with me, and all I could think of was how out of place it was. I mean seriously, "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" is just so freakin' corny. Ahh...but I was SO wrong. Little did I know that this was one of, if not the greatest pop culture reference ever inserted into a movie. Check out this movie (or at least the first 5 minutes of a 9-minute clip):



Cannot...stop....laughing.....

Okay, seriously. I promise you that this catch phrase is about to take off. This is going to be way bigger than Chappelle's "I'm Rick James, bitch!" In fact, check out Google Trends:



I promise you that is real--click on the picture and check for yourself. So, in preperation for this new pop culture infusion, here is a quick primer of how to use quotes from this video in your daily life.

• After blocking a shot playing basketball, "Silly bitch, your weapons cannot harm me. Don't you know who the f*** I am? I'm the Juggernaut!"
  
• Right before bedtime with the girlfriend, "I'm the Juggernaut, I'm ready to f***. I've been ready to f***. My suit's so tight!"
  
• When your boss is giving you advise you don't want to hear, "Comb your beard, I don't want to hear that shit!"
  
• And of course, everytime you come in the room, "Oh, it's the Juggernaut, bitch!"

Weekly DORNA

Yup, sure am glad I decided to drop the "Wednesday" from the title of my submission. Although soon I may drop the "Weekly" and replace it with "Random." Hmm...that may be a good idea for next week, er...random occurrence.

So here they are, the things you should read or watch this week:

1. Ask a Ninja: This guy is hilarious, so I am sure there are other episodes worth watching. This one is especially funny as he explains the issue of net neutrality. I could agree more: "that's what the internet is all about: people in funny hats making things people like."
   
   Update: Actually, I haven't found an episode I don't like yet. The most recent one on the home page is great. "Watching the Matrix is like watching a retarded bear in the circus...it's painful, and it's annoying, but it's just frustrating, because you wish there was something you can do."
   
2. Awesome Town: Don't watch the whole thing, but the first five minutes are great. Jack Black as George Washington is classic, and the opening theme song is pretty funny. Actually, maybe its not. In fact, most of the sketches are terrible. But you know what, Jack Black is worth it. Watch the beginning, and if you have time, watch the rest of it and see why Fox, MTV, and Comedy Central all passed on this.
   
3. Jaws: The Musical: I am so jealous, only because Disney would never let its Cast Members do something like this. Or am I speaking out of school? Shall I call upon the great defender of GMR? What say you spieler? Am I wrong? Would Disney have ever let you guys do something like this?
   
   
   
   The best part is the "Don't Cry for me Argentina" spoof where the manager explains whey they have to close the attraction. Unbelievable. Really. I say again...I'm jealous.
   
4. Windows Vista Review: Check out this great review:
   
   

   Heat - Forget chemical castration for sex offenders. Most of these guys are hooked on internet porn anyways... just give them a laptop with a free net connection and a souped up graphics card running Windows Aero. Use sensors and that new FlexGo system to make sure they can only use the laptop when it's in their lap. After their nuts melt to their legs, they won't be able to do bad things to people anymore. The heat problem is so bad, I'm seriously considering modding my Toshiba Tablet Dock II for liquid cooling and/or fans.

   
   

   Okay, most of what he had to say was positive, but this caption had me laughing all day. The new Outlook and overall performance gets rave reviews, but the overheating problem is more serious then you might think.

5. Growth of a Nation: If you've forgotten the significance of the 49th parallel, need a primer on the Mexican War, or can't remember what the Gadsden purchase was for, then watch this 10-minute video. My dad sent this to me for my kids to watch, but it was actually a nice refresher. My gut tells me that this has no place in DORNA, but I have to do something with it.

Bow Down to His Highness

I'm sad to say that I no longer hold any Nanaca Crash records. Sean has the long distance at 17k, and Ketan now has the highest arc at 670 meters. Damn.

That means I have to start playing more often. Either that or make up a new record.

First fark entry

fsm_bush_fark, originally uploaded by yojayy.

You should be able to find this on Fark.com shortly.

What scared George into hiding?

Update: Check here around comment 110.

Ladies and Gentlemen...

The Governor of California

All-Suck Batman & Robin

Here's a brilliantly written rip on the new Batman book by veteran writer Frank Miller and superstar artist Jim Lee. It's been a while since I've read a Batman comic, and I'd hate to jump on a bandwagon here, but this article is pretty compelling and very comprehensive. I'm going to make a leap of faith and agree that HOLY FUCK OF HOLY POTATO, what a disaster...

Then we cut back to Batman and Robin, sitting in the Batmobile, talking. We're going to see a lot of this, because it takes them the next two goddamned issues to actually make it TO the Batcave, which is apparently somewhere in northern Canada, given the amount of driving they have to do. Batman then tells Dick to sleep tight and calls him his "ward", behind a lecherous grin, which confuses Dick because nobody talks like that anymore.

But let's think about three important words here. "Fifteen hours ago". That means one of two things. Clark Kent either drank this carton of milk fifteen hours before Dick Grayson was kidnapped by Batman, and thus it is a magical prescient carton of milk, OR it's actually been a long enough ride in the Batmobile for Dick to have been reported missing, for his name to get to the missing persons groups, for them to submit his information to the milk company, for the milk company to print the cartons, distribute the cartons, and then for Clark Kent to go to the grocery store and buy the carton of milk. Let's see, by my rough estimate, that means that Batman and Dick have been on the way to the Batcave for, oh, about FIVE FUCKING WEEKS now.

If your mailbox is made of PVC and a chair...

I will never complain about my HOA again.

Requiem for a Dream Revisited

I decided to do a little research and try to bring Requiem to a Dream to light, but once again, why reinvent the wheel? On his web page, Mike Butler describes it perfectly:

The most memorable part of "Requiem for a Dream" is the fast-paced, soul-scrapingly disturbing, epilepsy-inducing climax where the lives of the main characters go completely and irreversibly to shit.

Yup, that's what I remember. But his web page is more of a homage to the "Ass-to-Ass" guy:

It takes a special character to pull off introducing a sex act involving a huge black double dildo simultaneously anally penetrating two girls on a coffee table, and The Ass-to-Ass Guy doesn't disappoint. In the credits of "Requiem," there is no "Ass-to-Ass" Guy listed, however we think that he is the character listed as Uncle Hank played by Stanley B. Herman. I'm not sure how he got cast to be the Ass-to-Ass guy, but from what I can tell it was the role he was born to play.

But don't worry friends. Did you think I would leave you in the dark? Of course not. Here is the scene, in all it's glory:

My favorite part is the way he looks at the crowd, like he has just said the most profound words ever spoken, and he has to repeat them just in case the effect didn't sink in. Either that, or watching a young Jennifer Connelly take it "ass to ass."

Update 1: From the South Park Production Studios (yes, I'm a little confused too, but just go with me on this on, okay?), here is a great way to introduce my favorite expression into your vernacular:

"Ass to Ass": A pleasant way to express excitement while referencing Requiem for a Dream. As in, "Wait, there's no writers' meeting today? Ass to ass!"

Update 2: You really need to watch the video a few times to really appreciate the scene. My only question is why I never get invited to parties like that? Sean? You've got connections, right?

The Weekly DORNA

Okay, maybe I should change the name since I can't seem to stick to a schedule. Thus, let's just see if I can manage to do it once a week. Ahh, but lucky you--this is a another special addition. The latest selection on i-am-bored.com has inspired me to collect the greatest trailer mashups on line. So here they are, in no particular order: (...and as Fark would say, difficulty: no Breakback Mountain jokes).

1. The Shining: Wow. This is probably the most impressive parody I've ever seen. It's amazing what a little background music and a voiceover can do. It's enough to make you forget that this is actually one of the best horror films ever made. In fact, I almost want to see this new film more than most of the crap in the theaters today.
2. Ten Commandments: Another great example of what you can do with a contemporary soundtrack and a great voiceover can do. My favorite part: Yul Brenner saying, "Moses...Moses..." Not quite as good, but here is the other film they reference in the trailer, Must Love Jaws.
3. Toy Story & Requiem for Dream: Only because I love both of these movies. Requiem for a Dream is one of the best films I've ever seen but always forget about. Unbelievably stylish with a great soundtrack. Plus, how can you not love a movie that ends with a quote like "ass to ass." The mix-up with Toy Story is incredible.
4. Harry Potter: Okay, I said no Brokeback Mountain parodies, but this is definately worth watching. Since this originated on the E! network, I figured I'd give them credit and show you the original version.

EYEZMAZE will waste your day

If you never played GROW, you need to stop reading right now and play all three versions. Then return to this site and try your hand at Chronon. Free the little yellow guy before the landfish returns. Then, give the author a dollar ($).

Then, grow a tree.

A "Real" Record Broken

3, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.5, 12. What are those numbers? The deactivation code in Lost? Fibonacci's' sequence? A spoiler for the Da Vinci Code? Nope. Those numbers correspond to the hours in the morning where I set a new personal record for vomitting in a 12-hour period--7 times. Let me tell you, I thought I was finished after #5, but I guess I had a enough left to go for the record.

Needless to say, DORNA will be delayed.

Myspace searches, Google stock, Sean's Nanaca Crash score

Name 3 things that are trending up...

Weinstein Co. Gears Up for 'Knight Rider'

NEW YORK (Hollywood Reporter) – The talking car K.I.T.T. is heading to the big screen in the Weinstein Co.'s adaptation of Glen A. Larson's hit 1980s TV series "Knight Rider." Larson will write and exec produce the feature, which he anticipates will begin production next year. The project had previously been in development at Revolution Studios. Larson has bandied about the project for years. "A number of people wanted to do a pure comedic send-up of it, but I always felt that would throw away the franchise," he said. "There was always humor on the show, but this film will probably have more gallows, foxhole humor.

WORD IS TEH SUCK!!!!

Let me just say that Microsoft Word is TEH SUCK!!

5/23/2006 - Update: It has been mentioned that this post doesn't have much meaning without any context. I'm here to give it the same context that Microsoft gave me when it displayed this gem on my flat panel screen.

So I'm working in Outlook, where I apparently (and foolishly it would seem) have Word as my default editor. Talk about overkill. I definitely don't need to be editing my e-mails using MS Word, what with all the kick-ass Word Art I'm not using. Well, Outlook seems to feel the same way, slowing to a crawl or hanging altogether after I've had it open for more than a few minutes. Generally, when this happens, I give my keyboard the 3-fingered salute and just restart the process. This time however, I decided to let Windows tell me what the problem was so I could do a little troubleshootin'..you know, maybe figure out what was wrong and make some changes so it doesn't happen again. After suffering through a few cryptic messages, doing my best to pinpoint hardware vs. software issues, Windows finally gave me the detailed error message you see above.

Hitting ok ony prolonged the agony, as this message would reappear each time I chased my errors down their respective rabbit holes. Thank you Microsoft, for bloating a perfectly good app to the point that it collapses under its own weight.

It is with this resolve that I stand by my original, slightly more succinct, statement:

Microsoft Word is TEH SUCK!

NYC Subway Tiles

86th Street Tiles, originally uploaded by complexify (David Gilford).

This is a pretty good look at the beautiful collection of mosaic art found in the NYC Subway. Flickr goodness at its best.

Wednesday's Desire or Really Nice Ass

Damn. Okay, I missed my deadline by a few hours. But, in my defense, I am traveling to New York this weekend and had a few errands to run. Okay, I lied. I was drinking! Is that what you wanted me to say? Fine....

Anyway, here's a couple selections for this week:

1. Baby Name Tool: No, I'm not advocating baby production (both editors of this blog have done enough of that lately). But this is a rather nifty tool to show the popularity of names over the past century. Although, this is a classic example of someone developing a tool that seems cool, yet serves no practical purpose. You can't sort names by popularity, so you're left "fishing" names out of thin air to search for. Nevertheless, still worth your time to play with for 5 minutes.
2. 3rd World Farmer: There's got to be a system to beat this game, but I haven't figured it out yet. Wives are helpful because they not only come with a dowry, but they also provide a nice death buffer in the event of a famine (i.e., they die, not you). Maybe Sean can impress me with a screen shot of how much wealth he can accumulate. The real "measure" of the game is how long you live, which seems like it could be boring really fast.
3. Banned Commercial: I'm convinced that this commercial wasn't actually banned, but that it was cheaper for the company (Microsoft) to just pretend it was banned and create a swirl on the Internet. Still, the effect is fascinating the first time you watch it.

Yes, I know, the list is terribly short, but I don't have my blog notebook with me, so I only could post the ones I remember. Maybe I'll do a extended version next week.

Lucasgate: The Secrets of Windermere

Star Wars? Are you kidding me!! Check out these pictures--this isn't Episode 7. Clearly, Sean has overlooked the only possible explanation--George Lucas buried the Ark of the Covenant in Windermere. Maybe they are digging it up for the rumored Indiana Jones 4 movie?

Sean, how many times have you personally been in the Well of Souls that you can't even recognize an entrance to an underground tomb in your own front yard?!

Episode VII - Demolition

To the right, please find a picture of our boy George Lucas. Happy days for George as he steers his epic science fiction juggernaut through Episode I. At this point in time, Jar Jar Binks has yet to be unleashed on the world, and our Star Wars memories are still pure. The future looks bright for the billionaire director and little Luke's daddy..


Fast Forward 7 years to May 2006, in a small Florida town outside of Orlando. A concrete sidewalk has been compromised in a newly constructed subdivision. Repairs are in order and a crew is on the scene. Two padawan workers begin the arduous task of breaking up the cement with a sledgehammer while their supervisor keeps a watchful eye on the progress. With this happening in my front yard at 8 am on a Saturday, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter!

I thought, perhaps, Episodes 7,8,9 were on some secret drawing board somewhere in Utah. Maybe a computer animated Star Wars flick set in the expanded universe...George has to be busy with that stuff, right?

Holy fuck of holy potato!

The following sequence is not photoshopped.


Update: I can't believe how stupid I was. This is the real reason Lucas was in Central Florida.

Loituma and Orihime, or Just Listen to This

Now, I don't normally like to blog about the stuff you can find on portals like i-am-bored, but tonight I have to make an exception. Here's what I want you to do. Open up the link below in a new window, watch the video for, oh I don't know, maybe a minute or so, and then come back and keep reading. In the meantime, just let the video keep playing in the background and let the music fill you with happiness.

http://i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=17253

"I said to her mother now stop that noise or I won't be responsible for what I do. If you go quietly and stay in your room you won't get hurt while your daughter I woo."

By now you've realized that she's on a loop, she's speaking Finnish, and that your brain is starting to hurt. The girl is actually Orihime Inoue, a major character in the anime and manga series BLEACH (check out the wikipedia article). Apparently she likes to eat weird food combinations, which might explain why she's twirling around a leek.

Still listening to the song? Great job so far! But it's time to cut the umbilical cord. Go close the window with Orihime. But don't worry, we'll see her again before the night's over. Next, I want to check out this Finnish polka band, Loituma, at this link. Sound familar? It should. This is the inspiration for our wonderful song. You can find the complete lyrics here.

My biggest complaint about the polka band video? No looping. But hey, maybe they just didn't have the foresight that the denizens of the Internet would want to listen to it repeatedly. The good news is that now that the video is finished, your computer should be silent. This gives us a chance to hang out with Orihime again! Why, you ask? Because from what I can tell, she seems pretty cool.

Click on the picture to watch a clip of my new favorite girl. The first minute gives you a good feel for her personality:



Apparently, she likes to eat ice cream...alot.

Well there you have it. From what I understand, a ringtone should be available soon if you'd like to have it on your phone. Enjoy!

Check out the Yojay Store. Like the blog? Buy the shirt!

3 hours...wasted

Mickeygate: A story of Disney, the greed for power, and a young mercenary.

After reading the ZZZZ Best story again on Wednesday, I decided to do some more investigative journalism. Perhaps I could uncover another scam? One bigger than a carpet cleaning scandal or a Eve blueprint scheme. Maybe I could find something big. A real story....like a modern-day Bob Woodward (okay, maybe he's still alive, but that's beside the point). And then I found it--what may be biggest conspiracy in the past 30 years. Here it is: bloggin' at its finest!

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It's the mid-1990's, and life is good. Americans are reveling in their new found wealth, and companies are making fortunes by profiting off of the hedonistic desires of the masses. But a man decides to change that, and that is how the story begins. A revolutionary product is developed--so revolutionary that the inventor is quickly inducted into several prestigious yet mystical groups. But the inventor is a good man, who wants to share this product with the good people of this country. He finds a company, one that he trusts will do the right thing, and tries to bring this product to market and solve so many of the worlds ills. But, alas, this story has a darker ending.

This company was none other than powerful Walt Disney Company. Disney realized that this product would completely undermine the metaphorical infrastructure of happiness and magic. This was a revolution they could not afford. They tried to quietly bury the product, but our inventor, a brilliant man named Michael Pitzel, would not be silenced! He railed against the company and embraced a new platform that gave power to the people. A new way to spread the truth to the proletariat! He started a revolution on the Internet.

The year was 1996, and Disney had just purchased ABC. Their power was growing, but it hadn't reached to the Internet yet. While Disney could still control what people heard on the radios, watched on TV, and saw at the theater, the Internet represented a new horizon--one to be feared. Disney immediately launched a new initiative titled "Go" to undermine the web as a tool for truth. But the executives feared they would be too late. Pitzel's campaign was already too powerful, and the Go Initiative would take too long to stop him. They need to attack him directly, but a public attack would compromise Disney's integrity. They had no choice but to hire a mercenary--an outsider that could infiltrate Pitzel's campaign and destroy it from within. Fortunately for Disney, they possessed such a man.

Michael Eisner sat back in his chair, watching the board of directors argue about who was the right man for the job. They fell silent when he slid a copy of the January 1994 issue of Newsweek out into the middle of the table. There, featured in the article, was a new power. Someone who had captured the voice of the people. You see, Pitzel is not the only brilliant man in the story, for this is another. But his brilliance was far darker. He too had a vision--a vision to one day control the destiny of the Walt Disney Company. He joined the company in the early-1990's, but his attempts at usurping power were deftly struck down. Defeated, his leaders relegated him to department 7K-850, the "dungeon of Disney" as it was called in those day. But there, he bided his time and began to practice the dark arts. He learned this evil craft and began to spread his influence to the Usenet newsgroups. There, his power grew, and by 1992, the denizens of the Usenet anointed him the leader of the FDC, the Future Disney Cabinet. He took the title of Future CEO of the Walt Disney Company, mocking the company that kept him locked away in a small gray cubicle. By 1994, the Future CEO claimed more than 300 members of his so-called "cabinet."

This was the man that Disney needed. He could use his power on the Internet to crush Pitzel. But he had a price. Deliver me from the dungeon, and give me amnesty, he asked. And it was granted. So, this man used his power to create a campaign of lies and deception to destroy Pitzel. He sent his minions first to attack his credibility. Then he began a nefarious campaign to delete all of Pitzel's posts of the newsgroups. Pitzel was overwhelmed. He cried out for help, but the final blow was dealt on the historic day of May 26, 1996, when the Future CEO developed the Trimobius Disney Cabinet--a special sect of his minions whose sole responsibility was tearing down what was left of Pitzel.

Today, who knows what came of Pitzel? Sadly, his invention, the Trimobius, was never introduced. And the Future CEO? What ever happened to this man? Eisner kept his word, and freed him from the dungeon after Pitzel was crushed in the 1997. Still to this day, his post that formed the TDC is still recognized as "probably one of the finest pieces of net.sarcasm ever concocted."

To learn the truth, visit these websites:

The history of the Future Disney Cabinet
The patent for the Trimobius
Michael Pitzel's campaign for good
Sean Squier's campaign of evil
The missing posts

I ought to win a Pulitzer prize for this work. Either that, or I am trying to do anything to avoid doing my Business Law homework tonight. One of the two.

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Update 1: Yojay did his homework and found this Pitzel rant about the missing posts:

"This latest act of censorship, perhaps performed by idiots with only their fan status linking them to Disney, or perhaps acting under some form of order from Disney's command, is only one piece of a much larger picture."

See! It's all true! Maybe we can go public with the story on the 10th anniversary of the TDC (just two weeks away--make sure you've got your Trimobius hat to celebrate).

Wednesday's Desire or Really Nice Ass

Back again (and on time) with another weekly submission of DoRNA. But this week is a special treat--the classic addition. I've rummaged through old e-mails and memories to come up with some of the best crap I've ever found. So yes, you've probably seen it before, but if not, trust me, this is the gold standard that I judge weekly submissions against:

1. ZZZZ Best: The greatest online short-story I've ever read. Okay, maybe I've only ever read one, but five minutes into this I was sucked in. It's the true story of a guy that pulled off the most elaborate and fascinating con jobs I've ever seen. No Hollywood special effects, no ridiculous plot twists. Just a good old fashion scam that takes place in a online multiplayer game. Plus, the writing is really phenomenal for what it's worth:
   

   "I could think of so many potential ways to make an unethical profit that it made my head hurt, and for once, I welcomed the pulsing pain. Horatio
   Alger's spirit was alive that day, and I reveled in it."
   
   ....
   
   "He was breathing heavily, his lungs desperately grabbing for the heroic air molecules that would be pumped through his evil, bloated arteries. I reciprocated his action by breathing heavily as well, but for an entirely different reason. My fists tightened, my teeth slowly grinded against each other, and my eyes burned. I wouldn't allow myself to sabotage hundreds of millions of credits for a small amount of ego gratification. I just wouldn't."

   
   It actually takes an hour to read, but I promise it will be well worth it.
   
   
2. Ultimate Showdown: What does Godzilla, Batman, Shaq, Aaron Carter, Abe Lincoln, Optimus Prime, Jackie Chan, Indiana Jones, Gandalf the Grey (and White), et. all have in common? They star in the greatest flash music video ever made. Oh yeah, Chuck Norris might be in it too.
   
   
3. Star Wars Gangsta Rap: Another great flash music video based on Star Wars. What's that Luke? "Yeah, that's right R2. I just set a new course. We're going to Cloud City. Mmmm...ahhh....that's a mighty good gin and tonic. You should fix me up another."
   
   
4. There She Is: It's amazing how he made a compelling story out of a rabbit and a cat. My third selection for the greatest flash music video. Notice something about all these videos I selected? Just like South Park, animation quality is a distant third to creativity and style.
   
   
5. Arnold Commercial: I wanted to explain this, but this guy over on i-mockery.com does it perfectly:
   

   He even shouts something that, again, I have no idea what it means. It sounds like "moooweee bwaaaaain!"... which might be Japanese for, "My brain!", suggesting that his brain is on sensory overload. And now comes the pinnacle of insanity. Arnold lands back at the table where he was once sitting and one of his pals is getting buried alive in noodles, or paper shreds, or god knows what. And they're all loving it! But the way Arnold laughs, holy god damn... it never ends! He just keeps laughing and laughing and laughing as he proudly displays the chaos he has created.
   
   

6. Desire or Really Nice Ass: The original and the inspiration for my weekly blog entry. The music, the story-telling, the great ass...what's not to love? (BTW, the author is nice enough to give us the scoop: her name is Keyra Agustina and the song is "Craig Armstrong - The Escape," so my work is done). Plus the DVD commentary is a first (that I've noticed) for a flash animationn. Bravo!
   
   
7. Honorable mentions to Star Wars Kid and Numa Numa Guy, but even I think they've gotten enough exposure.
   

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Update 1: Yojay trumps me with this video of Keyra Agustina. You know something? That guy was right....perfect. Damn.

Dear Steve,

Was that so hard? Now maybe you've learned your lesson about staying away so long. Gay porn, spider genocide and unjust Hitler comparisons. You could have prevented all of it, simply by telling us about dressing up like Japanese women again.

Jay Bennish deserves nothing but my undying apathy towards replacing his irresponsible rhetoric in the About section. Does he deserve to be there? Not really, but we now have a well thought out, rational reason why not. Will he be replaced? Soon, but not until after I've gotten some sleep, as I have been awake since 6:00 am 5/9/2006 (24:16 hours) and counting. Major theme park Nextel failures on project launch day can be a bitch, especially during Nextel midnight server update time. Tomorrow begins when I wake up later today.

What is this blog really "About" anyway?

Update: Sean capitulated to my demands and has changed the About section of the blog. Never mind for now that it just has a random picture there--I'll deal with that later. Of course, that means this article is now completely nonsensical. Thus, here is what the section used to read:

"Jay Bennish, who teaches 10th grade world geography, is being investigated for making biased, anti-President Bush comments in class during a discussion of the State of the Union speech last month." In what context does this sound non-threatening to our future for free-thinking?

-------

The About section of the blog has bothered me for quite some time, and I'm not sure that I can let it go anymore (I think the MySpace post that Sean made pushed me over the top).

Check out Michelle Malkin's site for the full transcript of what was said in the class. Let's see for ourselves if Bennish deserves the support of this blog.

Capitalism...do you see how this economic system is at odds with humanity? At odds with caring and compassion? It's at odds with human rights...anytime you have a system that is designed to procure profit, when profit is the bottom motive -- money -- that means money is going to become more important potentially than what? Safety, human lives, etc.

Okay, I don't mind him taking a "provocative" approach towards capitalism, but where is his critique of other economic systems? Last time I checked, capitalism has been the most successful in producing both economic wealth and human rights. Socialism and Communism haven't exactly had the best track record. If Bennish wants to rant against some of the general fallacies of human nature, that's fine, but not economic system is perfect. I guess that I just find it a little disturbing that he presents such a one-sided argument.

Now, I'm not saying that Bush and Hitler are exactly the same. Obviously, they are not. Ok. But there are some eerie similarities to the tones that they use. Very, very "ethnocentric." We're right. You're all wrong.

Is it appropriate to make that comparison, especially of a standing president? Probably not. Here's the real question: is Bennish trying to make a point or make his students think? If he was trying to make a point, congratulations--you got your 15-minutes of fame and idol-worship from bloggers like Sean. However, if you are trying to make your students think, why would you make a comment that many of your students would find offensive? You risk losing credibility and the opportunity to make an impact on those offended students. Is the comparison fair? Perhaps, but he could have found a better way if his true intent is teaching his students.

Student: But we did not have the intention of killing innocent people. We had the intention of killing an al Qaeda terrorist.
Bennish: Do you know that?
Student: So, you're saying the United States has intentions to kill innocent people?
Bennish: I don't know the answer to that question.

Wow...what a crap answer. I'm sorry, but can we agree that Bennish is an extremist? Who else can legitimately profess to not know whether or not our government intends to kill innocent people? Does he have the right to have that opinion? Yes. Can he also believe in socialism? Yes. But should someone with extreme viewpoints (that cannot express them in a healthy manner) be allowed to teach children?

Other archeologists say the Hebrews didn't really come from Egypt. They were actually a group of Canaanites [Palestinians] who decided they didn't like the other Canaanites and developed this story afterward to justify how they killed all their neighbors and took over the land.

Wow, that sounds substantiated. I think a discussion of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is an excellent idea for class, but those type of statements are clearly meant to belittle one side of the debate.

Overall, Bennish seems like a prick. Not because of what he believes in, but because he seems extremely narrow-minded. Should he be investigated? Not by the feds, but the education board should make sure he's producing open-minded students and not just using his class room as a bully pulpit.

Threatening to our future for free-thinking? Yes, Bennish certainly could be to the students in his class. Can we please change the About section of the blog now?

Four-Year Trip to Alpha Centauri

What a great article from Popular Science! Most of the article is pure conjecture and theory, but the concept is fasnicating. Plus, the humor of the article alone is worth the read.

The Warp Drive To-Do List: a few not-so-minor challenges you'll need to tackle before takeoff.

1. Discover Negative Energy
2. Devise a Way To Manipulate It
3. Harness Dark Energy
4. Build Bubble Brakes

Would warping space be risky? It could produce the luminous equivalent of a sonic boom, a shock wave with infinite energy. And yes, that would be bad.

The Shame of Embedded Music

Are we running a MySpace portal now? I have to listen to your gay-ass music every time I load up the blog? Well, at least I have a new place to advertise the site now:

Cosplay Forums -- check
Video Game Portals -- check
Music Video Libraries -- check
Gay Porn Sites -- N/A

Hey Sean, can you send me the links to that websites you're always telling me about? As soon as you do, I can complete my checklist.

Most efficient RAID use ever

So, you start with a walk downstairs at 2:30 am to get some water, or maybe a baby bottle, whatever. You flip on a light to discover a 1 inch wolf spider in the center of your living room. Closer inspection reveals a large number of spider babies hitching a ride. Thinking you don't want your daughter's play zone to become Charlotte's web, you act fast, dropping a sophisticated spider trap on the creature, immobilizing her and her small army.

A sheet of paper underneath and you've got a self-contained spider transport...if that's what you're into. Me, not so much. Being tired and understandbly protective of my family, this chick and her spawn aren't going anywhere. But what to do. If I pick up the cup to smash her, some of the babies will undoubtedly escape. Even if they don't, who wants to clean up hundreds of squashed spider carcasses? Don't get me wrong, I like spiders plenty, but Charlotte was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Not wanting a massacre requiring massive cleanup, I decided for a more subtle approach. Finding some Ant & Roach RAID in the garage, I had a hunch that the spiders may have a hard time with the stuff as well. I sprayed a little on the paper and then slyly slid the cup over the poisoned area, with our spider and her babies inside. I placed the RAID can on top of the cup and went to bed.

(click images for a larger view)

I don't know how long they lasted in the deadly chamber, but when I came down this morning, my spider nemesis and her spawn were no more. Unbelievably, she had crammed at least 200 babies on her back while barely looking much larger than her normal self. At 200 to 1 reproductive ratio, these guys are here to stay.

Old school patriotism

You don't get much more patriotic than this. American flag tattoos are super, but a little permanent, plus the pain is only temporary. To truly "back" Old Glory and the Red, White & Blue, it takes a special man to up the ante a few notches. Also, it doesn't hurt to mow & edge a lawn in the Florida sun and then transplant 2 bushes.

"Here's to the Army and the Navy, and the battles they won won. Here's to America's colors, the colors that never run."

"May the wings of liberty never lose a feather."

Premature Emancipation

Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

It seems I was a little short-sighted in my Boing Boing bashing post yester-morning. I have only begun to scratch the shark infested surface of the Boing Boing fish jumping phenomenon. Many have come before and many will surely follow, but thank the Big Bang that this guy has beaten me to what was surely to end up my fate. Xenisucks.com.

This site shows determination and, fer christ! It has this!

Anti-Xeni Technology

. A Xeni-Removal Javascript: Thanks to Marti Bolivar for the pointer.
. Boing Boing Lite: Filter out the lameness in any browser.

But is it really all it's cracked up to be? Xeni takes a strange approach to the attack by blogging it herself, trying to embrace the hate by dismisisng it as irrelevant. It's as though she is head and shoulders above this drivel. The problem is, xenisucks.com has a point. A blog that was as popular as Boing Boing should expect more from it's self-important, pseudo, tech 'journalists'.

Cory Doctorow (another Boing Boing editor) would never have a site called corysucks.com with the following mission:

So do you hate Cory or something?

Not really. I’ve read Boing Boing for a long time and only recently realized that I wasn’t really interested in it at all. And Cory’s posts are the worst. It seems like everything he writes is either about his DRM crusade, his book signings or Disney. I figured I could write a simple algorithm to quantify how much each post sucked, so I did it.

And finally, a directory of unbelievable backlash.

RIP Boing Boing. Your self-righteous, self-important, perspective-laden, DRM-obsessive techno babble will be missed...by me...since I'm not coming back...except to get context for the beauty that is this post.

Boing Boing jumps the shark?

So, I'm poking around the ridiculousness posted by gstdog, when I encounter the lock-up of my Firefox from the fighting brothers website link (see below somewhere). A quick browser restart asks me to get the Firefox upgrade (which I dutifully did) and then dumped me at their homepage.

That pissed me off.

In a completely unrelated turn of events, I'm suddenly asked about Hong Kong Disneyland from across the room. After some discussion, I decide to answer the questions with high res photos once and for all with the new local.live.com site from Microsoft. I assume I need Explor-whore for this, so I fire up the MS dino-browser. Lo and behold, my long lost Boing Boing is holding vigil as my trusty old school home page. (I long ago replaced BB with an assortment of other sites due to BB's increasingly narrow slant on topics and increasing nerdiness of the entire staff).

"Hey let's talk about DRM - FOREVER! - At the expense of all other topics!"

Plus, Xeni just really isn't all that hot, no matter what the NY hepcats think. You know what, I take that back. NY Hepcats are assholes for thinking that. You should be ashamed of yourselves..and your weirdly spelled nickname.

(FYI - Live.local.com is a big no-go in the HK picture department.)

So, to my point - Let's give Boing Boing another chance. Sure, some of their posts are a little late to the blogosphere, and others are just plain lame, but holy fuck of holy potato:

Spelling out Camus's "Myth of Sisyphus" in cookies

the artist will spell out Camus’ existential essay “The Myth of Sisyphus” in cookies, one word at a time. each word will be installed in a public location and constructed from a different kind of cookie, locally-purchased or prepared. each word of the essay, 1406 in total, will appear in a different city. the project will continue indefinitely until the improbable event of its completion. link of death

Yes, I'm trying to get it. "It's absurd." It's just gay. And by gay I mean stupid, because gays are stupid. But not really. It's still gay. I hope the link to Boingboing makes her commit to this gay project due to the attention and it only serves to torment and bankrupt her for attempting such a gay thing.

I'm not sure what is a bigger waste of my (and your) time, reading that post or blogging this? Well, I lied. I do know. Blogging this.

It seems I'm not alone on this one.

ASCII NEMO anyone?

Wednesday's Desire or Really Nice Ass

This could be a huge commitment, but I'm willing to give it a try. Surfing the Internet, I probably find a dozen things each day that makes me laugh. I don't have time to blog all of it, so I decided to save the best and post them each Wednesday.

Now, I can already hear what you're saying. "But Steve, there are already tons of sites that do that each week. Isn't that redundant?" Of course it is, that's the point! I'd like to try to keep this blog original and not fill it up with links that I found on Fark, Boing-Boing, and other sites. That being said, I'd still like to share some of the best stuff with my friends.

So here's the format. The top 5-10 funniest/coolest/disturbing things of the week. (By the way, I am going to define Wednesday as 9 pm on Tuesday through 9 am on Thursday...I'm sure I can find a 1-2 sober hours in there each week). The title is in reference to a classic flash animation I found last year. Perhaps I'll role out a classic version next.

1. 3-D chalk art (i-am-bored) - Wow. This guy manages to create amazing 3-D pictures on sidewalks using nothing but chalk. Words don't do it justice--you've got to check this out.
2. Fighting Brothers (i-am-bored) - Something about watching these guys smack the crap out of each other had me rolling.
3. Web Cam Effects (i-am-bored) - Nothing brings me more joy than the prospect of trying to pick up girls on my webcam while animated as a large rabbit.
4. Johnny Rocketfingers (newgrounds) - You should probably find the original first before you pay this game, but I love the animation and the style. The game is relatively mindless (point and click), but it's fun to see the sense of humor and creativity embedded into the game. This one is long, so don't expect to finish it unless you've got some time set aside.
5. Strangers with Candy (YouTube) - "They didn't sacrifice coconuts to their monkey gods!" One of my all-time favorite TV shows. And guess what? They made a movie that's going be released in July! Watch this episode (20 minutes) and you'll see why. Plus, Stephen Colbert as her history teacher is hysterical.

Xandy Bar?

I can only assume that because I've started blogging, I'm now a member of the cutting edge of society. That must of been the reason the guy downtown last night offered me a xandy bar.

What's a xandy bar you ask? Good question. I first thought he was trying to invite me to go to a club with him, so of course, I responded "Huh? Where do you want me to go?" That's when he told me "no no no no," a xandy bar is something you eat when you are drinking. According to my new friend, you can drink all you want without getting drunk.

Now, for starters, that doesn't sound exciting. If I'm drinking that much, the drunk part is really the only payoff. If I'm trying to push some drugs on the street, I'm promising either a great high or that somehow you'll finally become charming to members of the opposite sex. Needless to say, I declined his offer.

Come to find out, xandy bar is slang for xanax. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not up on all the latest lingo, but a quick search of Google yielded only 1 website that had both xanax and xandy bar. Urban dictionary decribes it as xanax pills pushed into a candy bar, but I wonder if it might just be referring to xanax bars, the 2 mg dosage pills. Oh, and that whole not getting drunk thing that was part of the sales pitch? Yeah, let's try "multiplies the effect of alcohol" and "life threatening," according to Alprazolam.

From my standpoint, I really don't find the drug that interesting. What really excites me is that I may actually have crossed over into the category of "people who know things."

Gstdog, trend watcher and futurist, reporting.

Cosplay goes wrong....VERY wrong.

Always on the hunt for new blog content, I venture out looking for some interesting cosplay. After a few twists and turns through Google, I find a promising link. So I click away and see some streaming video loading up. Hey, this could be fun, right? Maybe I'll get to see someone reenact a video game or something.

Now, I've come to expect a little weirdness from cosplay sites, so I'm not too surprised by the set-up. She's got her mom's bed sheets pinned up to the ceiling next to the computer. You'd think with as much time these people spend on making their costumes look authentic, they could do a little bit more with the background scenery, but oh well. Oh look, there's a girl coming into view. Damn...I can't really make out her face. Not that it's too important, but if I'm going to watch some cosplay battle unfold on a web cam, she can at least be somewhat attractive, yes? Oooh, wait! She's standing up and coming over the the camera.

Uh oh....I'm getting a feeling that this more porn than cosplay. Yes, yes--I see them. You can stop shaking them in my face. Okay, that's enough of that; it's time to go back to Google. I guess this site wasn't what I expected. And yet, I haven't stopped watching. You know what? I'm starting to get a really weird vibe. Something about this feels wrong. Not in a having-sex-with-a-cousin kind of way, but more of a is-the-girl-I'm-having-sex-with-wearing-a-flesh-colored-body-suit kind of way.

Holy shit of holy potato! What the *$#*Y% is that?? Is this cosplay? What the hell is this? Is someone paying for this? I can only imagine who would sit and watch a costumed character (oh god...it's probably a guy underneath that mask) undress on a web cam. But you know something, she's...just...sitting there...staring at me. Just keeps staring. I think those are actually chills running down my spine. Am I going to get in trouble? Should I be watching this? Is she angry? What the hell is she waiting for? She's done nothing but watch me for 2 minutes! Maybe I should go. Wait! She's moving...

..and getting a cell phone!?! Oh hell, is she calling me? Abort! Abort! Alt-F4!

Okay, let's not panic. It's time to be realistic. Surely I'm not the only person logged on to her site viewing her webcam. And of course she doesn't have my phone number! How ridiculous of me. Let's go back and try to figure this out.

Oh God! It's like those damn creepy eyes are penetrating into the dark recesses of my soul.

...and she's waving at me, and she's doing that little finger thing, and....okay I'm done!

So there you go. There's no way you can appreciate my experience without seeing this for yourself. Here is the link (http://sabrina.jp/sabrinow2.htm), but I also recommend checking out the main site and viewing the archives. Me? I'm going to be in my closet huddled up in the fetal position for the next couple of hours.

Katamari Cosplay

And the cosplay beat goes on.

Katamari Damacy is (was?) so popular, it makes Jesus look like the Star Wars Kid. And it has spawned a next generation style cosplay subculture that sends Star Wars cosplay geeks to the back of the sandcrawler.

You can take my word for it, because of my incredibly convincing photo from a FoxNews article, or you can just check out this blog devoted entirely to the game and its creator - Keita Takahashi.