Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Inventor Dreams of Even Slices of Pizza

"Most of us are all too familiar with the common situation where, in ordering and eating a pizza, the size of the pieces contrast drastically in size. When this occurs, the large pieces are difficult to handle, often resulting in dropped sauce and toppings that can stain clothing and carpet. Furthermore, due to the fact that pizza is often hot, burns can result where the hot cheese, sauce and toppings drop onto one's person. Also, where the pizza serves as a meal for a number of people, the disproportionate pieces make for unequal servings and, as a result, further cutting is required to even-out the meal. From a business point of view, a poorly cut pizza relates directly to quality and workmanship in the food product. Accordingly, there is need for a means by which commercial pizza establishments and restaurants can ensure constant, evenly sliced pizzas on a consistent basis. The development of the present invention fulfills this need."

You know what? This guy's right. I can't stand it when I have to shave an 1/8th of an inch off of a slice of pizza in the name of equity. Oh sure, ignore it, you say! Well, that's the kind of talk I would expect from someone a few irregular stains on their carpet. More than one pizza chain has lost my business when slices failed to fall within my pre-subscribed pizza tolerance of 342 ± 2 millimeters.

Thank God for visionaries like Kenneth Morris. In 1999, he give us the holy grail of pizza making, the even-slice pizza cutter (U.S. Patent No. 6,557,260). From ancient steel first created in the wind furnaces of Sri Lanka in 300 B.C., to the rise of modern steel production in 1850, all of mankind's progress has led to the creation of such a glorious tool:

While this news caused a great deal of joy among the pizza eating community in 1999, shares of Procter & Gamble and Reckitt Benckiser were sent crashing on the New York and London Stock Exchanges, respectively. Private shareholders incited a near panic as the rid themselves of what was sure to become "junk" stocks as the need for personal cleaning products vanished.

What? You saw this coming? Rubbish. Who could have predicted that the invention of the multiple pizza slice cutter in 1991 would have been a precursor to the even slice cutter of 1999. Sure, one could claim that these two inventions were really the same thing, but I think Mr. Morris ends that controversy.

"Patent No. D316,656 describes the ornamental design for a multiple slice pizza cutter."

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