What you need to believe to be a Republican today...

For the record, I was not looking for porn when I discovered this e-mail in my inbox.

• Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary.
• Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him,and a bad guy when Dubbya needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
• Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
• The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
• A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
• The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
• Keep condoms out of every drug store within walking distance of a schools. Then adolescents won't have sex.
• A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
• Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing Health care to all Americans is socialism.
• HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
• Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
• A president lying about an extra-marital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
• Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring theInternet.
• The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
• Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
• What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, But what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.